It can hardly be said that Arsenal are a club in crisis. Presently joint top of the Premier League and finding a consistency to their patented brand of wonderful attacking fare that has seen them wipe the floor with Leicester away and demolish Manchester United in recent weeks things are relatively upbeat at the Emirates this season.
Yet with Arsene Wenger’s disastrous tinkering in Europe and Tuesday’s 3-0 collapse to Sheffield Wednesday in the Capital One Cup there remains audible voices of discontent among Gooners who firmly believe Le Prof’s best days lie behind him.
Chelsea meanwhile are in crisis. They are so firmly entrenched in crisis they’ve met crisis’ mother-in-law. Languishing in 15th, their title defence in ruins, and putting in performances that are not even a poor imitation of what we witnessed last term it has been a collapse of identity and belief that nobody could have foresaw.
From the opening whistle parp of the 2015/16 campaign Jose the Special One has gone from cock-sure to brooding to spraying blame anywhere but on his own shiny Guccis to being outright miserable while his players have looked leggy and all played out. Changes are certainly afoot.
So without namechecking Pep or Simeone – neither of whom are coming to either club anytime soon – what is the solution? Well, it’s staring us all right in the face, but prepare to mega-lolz because though the answer is brilliantly simple and entirely logical it is equally ludicrous and, well, just never going to happen.
The best possible future for Arsenal and Chelsea requires Wenger and Mourinho to exchange hot-seats in a good old-fashioned straight swap.
There, I said it. Would you like me to play some Madness for you until the laughing subsides?
Yet if you think about it the switch makes perfect sense.
Mourinho’s martinet rule at the Bridge may have driven his side to a title but at what cost? By refusing to rotate he has horsewhipped them into mental and physical exhaustion and this has evidently affected his relationship with Hazard and co in recent months with some even suggesting they are sabotaging results to see their taskmaster gone.
These players would welcome the arrival of Wenger with tired open arms and relish their newly-given licence to express themselves and enjoy their football once more. And a team that includes Hazard, Willian and Oscar enjoying their football equates to a team that rapidly climbs the table. We can also assume Fabregas would be employed in the most effective manner and delight in playing under his former mentor. In Costa, meanwhile, Arsene would finally have the uber number 9 he has always craved but shied away from committing to.
Over at the Emirates it’s been said since time memorial that the Gunners are an extravagantly gifted side that lacks a backbone. Mourinho would certainly give them that and at a stroke provide answers to the most intriguing hypothetical of English football in eons – just how good would Arsenal be if they had a steely spine?
Sure the exuberant stylish football would be curtailed somewhat – regimented into Mourinho’s athletic modus operandi – but most Gooners would take the sacrifice if it meant them lifting aloft the Premier League crown for the first time in twelve years.
As for Chelsea we can safely presume Roman Abramovich would be stroking his beard with Bond-villain satisfaction at the Barca-lite stuff Wenger would introduce. He might even give him two seasons without silverware.
It doesn’t end there. As Maude Flanders used to advocate; shouldn’t we also think of the children? Arsene uncharacteristically criticised his new crop of kids this week, claiming they’re nowhere good enough for the first team yet. Whereas Chelsea is jam-packed with promising youth all primed and ready to explode onto the big stage. The sole reason the likes of Da Silva, Baker, Loftus-Cheek, Brown and Solanke haven’t yet announced their arrival is directly due to one man’s distrust of unproven talent – Jose.
Wenger, however, would be in his element; bringing through a batch of future internationals and maximising what they have to offer.
Mourinho at Arsenal would have no such concerns – the Arsenal pups aren’t good enough anyway. A swapping of offices across London would additionally bring all kinds of juicy headlines, particularly after Jose discovers the telescope aimed at the Bridge proving his theory of voyeurism entirely correct.
Wenger, meanwhile, would immediately have to take his own image from the dartboard hanging from the door that recently boasted Jose’s name.
But now we’re entering the realms of the silly. In purely footballing terms, right now Arsenal could benefit from a coach such as Mourinho and Chelsea would prosper most under a Wenger figure.
So why won’t this happen? Because, as stated, the notion is ludicrous. And yet it makes so much sense.
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